Listening to: Sigh no More, Mumford & Sons
I decided to carve out time to go for a walk this morning. Jenn helped by encouraging me to get some time alone. She knows better than I do when I need to get away. I love that she's sensitive to my soul's need for rest.
The sun was out, which is to say, the clouds had not yet shown up, but it was still brisk out. I walked through the woods, to the college and looped around. A hundred worries filled my mind. Money, the kid's college tuition, finding a job and 97 other things. Not all of them money related. I heard somewhere that 92% of the things we worry about never come true. Which leads me to 3 questions: #1 -Who came up with this figure? #2- How would you test such a thing? And, #3 - Which 8% of my worries would come true?
I walked and worried and asked God questions, not pausing long enough to hear the answers. Why, when, how? I had a keen awareness of how self-centered my world is sometimes...always. I've gone through periods where I want God to just fix everything but I'm at least a bit more mature than that now. That's at least what I'd like to think. I think he wants me to be involved in the fixing. To answer some of my own prayers and the prayers of others. I'm not only willing but engaged.
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Finally, I quieted myself long enough to hear a word, an answer or at least make something up to console myself. The only word I heard was, "trust." Damn it! Isn't this really the hardest thing to do. To trust God or self or someone else. Because most hurt comes from trusting someone and having that trust broken. There are no authentic relationships without trust. But, with trust comes the chance of being hurt.
Every relationship has it's wounds. We even let ourselves down. The wise forgive and move on.
This year, I want to trust more. Reckless abandon kind of trust. Mostly in God. But also in my own desires and passions. I want to trust the people in my life and the new people I meet. This is the last year of my life and it's time I started trusting my gut. It's time I start looking for reasons to trust others instead of reasons why I shouldn't.
As I came back from my walk this morning I was met with screaming from a little blond kid carrying a remote control and running after the car it was controlling. It was Quinn. So excited to see me though he'd seen me an hour and a half earlier. Trusting. My worries dissipated as my smile broadened. "I missed you, Dad", he said. Then he gave me the remote control and I chased him down the street with his car. A lady in a Volvo passed by and smiled at me.
I pray for the faith to hope.
For Now,
Wade
The title of my very first blog page back in '06 was "The Leap of Trust". Every year, actually, every day I keep thinking, "Man, it's all about Trust, isn't it God?" I thought I had it down...or almost down but then something always happens that causes me to dig just a little bit deeper and trust a little more. Trusting me, my kids, friends, God. Trusting means being vulnerable. I don't like it, yet somehow I keep coming back for more.
ReplyDeleteYour prayer is an echo of mine...I pray for "the faith to hope" also. A facet of my conversation lately with God, is sheer gratitude for what I believe he will do. Instead of asking him to do this or that, I thank him instead for having already done it. Of course he will bless and keep my loved ones safe, of course he will guide me with a sure and loving hand, of course he will help me follow the path that leads to him. He is, afterall, God. Praying like this helps, even if it feels like a big leap, to say thank you instead of please all the time. It sometimes makes me feel selfish, even. I don't know...
ReplyDeleteMelissa- So many of our prayers are already answered but we get caught up with asking and forget to look for the answers. Thanks for commenting.
ReplyDeletesimplydar- we alienate ourselves when we don't trust and we tend to get hurt when we do. this is why forgiveness is such a great gift...it allows us to trust. Thanks for sharing.
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